Tool 1: The 90-second “don’t act yet” rule

When you get triggered, STOP. Don't send the text. Don't confront. Don't rehearse the argument.

Instead say to yourself “I am activated. I don't need to solve this while I'm activated.”

Then take 5–10 slow breaths with a longer exhale than inhale.

The goal isn't to make yourself calm. It's to create enough space between feeling and doing.

A useful mantra: “I can be angry without acting angry.”

Tool 2: Discharge the anger physically

Anger is an activation state. Sometimes talking about it for 20 minutes actually keeps the engine running. The goal is to move the anger through your body before you ask your brain to make sense of it.

Move that energy by experimenting with the following:

Going for a run

Bouldering

Fast walk for 10 minutes

Shake out your arms and legs

Do squats, push-ups, or stairs

Squeeze and release your fists repeatedly

Put on loud music and move your body

Take several forceful exhales

If you need to, scream into a pillow rather than at someone

Tool 3: The “facts vs. fucking story” exercise

Write the down the facts and the story.

FACTS:

She parked next to me

I tried to say something

She interrupted me

She repeated what she said

STORY:

She's a stupid bitch

People are fucking awful

She doesn't respect me

People always act like this

She thinks she can treat me however she wants

Ask yourself the following questions:

Which part am I actually angry about? The facts or the story I'm telling myself about the facts?

The facts may still warrant anger. But the story is often where the rumination gets its fuel.

Tool 4: The “Not my package” visualization

When someone dumps their shit on you, say to them (silently in your head) “That's yours. I'm not carrying it.”

Visualize literally putting their anger back down and say to them (silently in your head) “You behaved badly. That's yours. My response is mine.”

Tool 5: The 10% rule

Ask yourself “What percentage of this situation is actually mine?”

Maybe it's:

10% — you need to decide whether you need to address something

90% — the other person's behavior, personality, mood, choices, etc.

Your job is to deal with your 10% and you don't have to solve someone else's 90%.

Tool 6: Give anger a job

Anger is often useful when it tells us that “Something mattered to me.”

So ask yourself “What is my anger trying to protect?”

Maybe it's respect, fairness, autonomy, being heard, safety, boundaries.

Then ask yourself “Is there an action I need to take?” If yes, take it. If no, release it.

This prevents “letting go” from becoming passive acceptance.

Tool 7: The “Would I take advice from this person?” test

When someone behaves terribly, ask yourself “Why am I allowing someone I wouldn't take advice from to give me a review of myself?” Someone being rude doesn't automatically make their behavior meaningful. A person's behavior is information about them, not necessarily information about you.

Tool 8: The “What would unfuckwithable Kaitlyn do?” question

When triggered, ask yourself “What would the most grounded, powerful version of me do next? What response leaves me respecting myself tomorrow?”

Tool 9: The emotional time limit

Give yourself permission to be pissed. You are allowed to be angry about whatever triggers you for 15 minutes. You can rant, journal, text Emily, walk, swear, whatever. Once you felt the emotion of anger, you are done feeding it. The goal is to disrupt the need to keep thinking about something just because your brain hasn't reached emotional closure.

Tool 10: The ultimate unfuckwithable distinction

Being unfuckwithable means that you have boundaries, standards, anger, a voice, and none of those require you to surrender control of your nervous system to another person's behavior.

When triggered, say the following to yourself:

“I can dislike you without hating you. I can disagree with you without fighting you. I can be affected by what happened without allowing it to control me.”

The “Unfuckwithable Protocol”

1. Notice: I'm triggered.

2. Regulate: Body first.

3. Separate: Facts vs. story.

4. Decide: Is there anything I need to do?

5. Release: Not my package.

6. Redirect: Back to my life.

Don't make becoming unfuckwithable another way of obsessing over the person who fucked with you. The win isn't “I figured out why they are an asshole.” It’s “Huh. That sucked. Anyway…I’m going to go live my amazing life!”